Addressing Men’s Divorce Issues
There are many articles, books and websites on women experiencing divorce and abandonment, but very few on tips for men going through a divorce instigated by their wives. Yet, nowadays we see many men who experience a divorce that was imposed upon them by their spouse. I have seen this closely in the lives of two of my friends. I will not deal in this article with the reasons these women wanted out of their marriage. Suffice it to say that in neither of the two cases were there any serious causes, such as adultery or conjugal violence. The marriages simply had not fulfilled the spouses’ expectations.
Divorce and Its Three Phases
Divorce is not easy, and the feelings it can stir up can be very painful and destructive. When divorce ends in anger and confrontation, feelings may attain devastating proportions affecting your life in all its aspects. Even when the outcome is amicable, there is a feeling of loss and failure that can be quite painful. This article intends to provide tips for men going through divorce and will try to provide a few basic guidelines to deal with it. Note that at the end of the article there is a recommendation to a complete guide providing vital advice for man going through divorce.
If you are going through divorce, in order to emerge with the least amount of damage to your life, you will have to live it in three phases: mourning, anger and action.
The Mourning Phase
After the passing of a loved one, you will have to mourn for a while before you can get on again with your life. A divorce is like the passing of your marriage. Remember your wedding day: you had so much hope for your life and were filled with so much joy; you imagined boundless possibilities for your future which you saw filled with days of laughter and nights of passion; and you never thought that one day you would face the chaos and mayhem you are experiencing today. Men going through divorce experience indeed a big loss. Therefore, you need to mourn so that you can fully experience your own feelings and heal. Keeping the feelings inside will only hurt you and will not allow you to get on with your life. So, mourn and cry on the shoulders of your friends and relatives. If crying is not your thing, write a personal journal or paint a picture to express your sadness, but don’t let those feelings of sadness stay locked up inside you.
The Anger Phase
After you have finished with crying, you may want to express your anger which is another feeling that is not good to keep inside. Anger is also a completely normal and liberating emotion to have after a painful divorce. Why should you not be mad? She stood with you in font of a large crowd and God, and promised to love you «until death do us part». Well, neither of you is dead! She broke her promise. You have all the right in the world to be angry and express it.
Expression of anger does not have to be violent, but if it is not expressed in some reasonable way, it could erupt in explosions of uncontrollable rage. What you need to do is channel it into positive and constructive methods of expression. For example, you could start some sporting activity, like soccer or kickboxing, where you would transfer the energy stemming from your anger into the activity required by the sport. This way you would not only express your anger, but also get into shape.
The Action Phase
When you have accepted your divorce and regained your capacity to view and judge things rationally, you will need to consider the next steps in your life, steps that you have to take to live with the consequences of the divorce, and with the least amount of damage to your life. If you have kids, the custody arrangements must be decided with their best interest in mind. If your ex-wife is after every last penny you have, you may need a lawyer to fight her! If you had to vacate your conjugal home, you may need to find a new place to live. All these necessities and possibly others will need to be addressed calmly and rationally, and represent valuable tips for men going through divorce.
Life Continues After Your Divorce
Life is not simple, and the three phases described above are generally not mutually exclusive. There can be quite a bit of overlap between them. You might feel that your state of mind is not progressing, that it is locked in sadness and anger, and that you are not capable of dealing rationally with the unfolding events. This is not unusual. Many men going through divorce experience that. If that is your case as well, you may need to get some professional counseling.
Remember that a divorce is the end of your wedding not your life. The possibilities in life are limitless, and often one bad thing leads to a good one. Therefore tips for men coping with divorce should also address life after divorce. You should use the painful experience of divorce to learn from it and grow. You can take this negative and turn it into something new and good. As their lives are already undergoing major changes, many men going through divorce may consider new initiatives, such as a career change, getting a degree in some field that has always been interesting, or taking that dream trip to the far east, etc. Follow their example. And why not indulge in some of the little pleasures in life? Like eating in that corner restaurant that you always wanted to try but could not go because your ex-wife was not interested. You never know, you might meet your soul mate there!
Your prospects are endless. Forgive, but do not forget the lessons you have learned.
There is a big world out there. So seek and you shall find!